Jerry's Birthday

Today is/was my step-father Jerry's birthday. He died three years ago. I'm still not sure how to phrase things. Today is his birthday, but we're celebrating without him. It was his birthday when he was alive. We're continuing on in his memory, having dinner and cake at my mom's house. My stepsisters (his daughters) and their families will be there. I am so glad that we've stayed close.

Thinking of Jerry will be harder on them. His absence will be felt more today, as we gather without him. But it will feel like he's there, to me. I'll be thinking about what kind of cake he would have liked. Probably chocolate, or caramel. I'm not sure what his favorite was, but I associate these flavors with him. He would have been running around, gathering wood for a fire, checking on the horses, playing with the grandkids, puttering in the kitchen and finding a million other things to do than sit down and visit and be the Birthday Boy.

I'm trying to think of what I might have bought him this year. I saw whistles made from deer antlers by a local hunter. He might have liked that. I might have gotten him new books or a movie. I don't know enough about farm equipment to get him anything along those lines. I didn't get him a present this year, but I will stop by his grave. I want to leave something there for him. I'm not sure what. I'll find something before we head out to the farm to gather on his birthday and remember him. The day will border between celebration and grief. It won't be much different than any other day is/was. He just won't be there.