Friday, December 2, 2011
In and Out of Love
Miranda lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling as she agonized over every word of her conversation with Peter the night before.
I just don't love you any more, he'd said. Or had he said, I'm not in love with you anymore? Miranda's brow furrowed as she tried to remember his exact words. It seemed important somehow, though she knew the meaning was the same. But what had he actually said?
She could see his face so clearly in her mind. The distant look in his eyes and the way he kept looking off to the side of her head. He so clearly avoided eye contact. She knew he wanted to leave, and felt trapped by her presence in the room. She'd stood between him and the door. Is that what he'd been looking at? His escape?
I don't love you anymore. She heard the deep consonance of his voice repeating the line in her mind. What had she said back? What had he said next? It was already becoming a blur and it was only the night before.
Miranda remembered the first time Peter had told her he loved her. They were riding bikes and he tossed the words into the air behind him as he pedaled faster. She almost wasn't sure he'd said them; they caught her so off guard. But she'd stood on her bike pedals, careening faster toward him as she yelled for him to repeat what he'd said. Then abruptly he'd stopped and she sailed right past him before wobbling off the path and falling into a bush. He laughed and said he didn't realize she'd take the news so hard. She told him she loved him back and they kissed.
She'd replayed those words over and over, too, staring at the same ceiling she looked at now. Back then, she'd felt giddy and concentrated on remembering the feel of the wind, and the profile of his face as he'd smiled back at her and said he loved her. She'd analyzed every detail of that day, reliving it over and over all night. She hadn't been able to sleep.
She couldn't sleep tonight either. She saw the tight clench of his jawline and the hooded expression in his eyes just before he left. What had he said? I don't love you anymore or I'm not in love with you any more? It somehow seemed important.